CHECKLIST: HOW WE FALL IN LOVE

1. Madly
2. Badly
3. Poorly
4. With benefits
5. With people we hate
6. At first sight
7. At first fuck
8. One glance on the street
9. With movie stars
10. With rock stars
11. With drugs
12. With dogs
13. With toys
14. Dumbly
15. Drunkenly
16. In a blackout
17. Forever
18. For never
19. For old times' sake
20. Because no one else will have us but us
21. With surety

HISTORY OF ART BY H.W. JANSON

There is great beauty in the world
we all know this to be true
there is great love in the world
sometimes we're not so sure about this

Love at first sight exists and don't let
anyone tell you otherwise for they are wrong
perhaps jealous because they have not
yet experienced it for themselves

How could I know that seeing her
right ear - her ear! - would prove to me
that love at first sight was for real
and forever unfading undaunted unmatched

She was one seat in from the aisle
and to this day I wonder where did I get
the nerve to ask her: "Is this one free?"
and sat down right next to my destiny

In love for the rest of my life
though I wouldn't get the chance
to demonstrate that love for twenty years
you read that right: twenty years

She had skin like milk and small features
her face contained more beauty than I had
ever before beheld in one visage
the way she took notes slew me

The lecturer held great promise
for a life-changing class of all the world's art
shown in full-color slides from fertility idols
to the geniuses of the present day

But the real life change came for me
two days later when class met again
and she was sitting in the same seat
and I sat next to her beautiful ear again

I'M MORE THAN ONE SUNSET BEHIND

Because that's the way
God planned it.

He looked, he evaluated,
he threw the mother into drive
and this is where we ended up:

You looking your way, me looking mine.

There are still so many pipe dreams
available, which makes for a cozy
two minutes on the set list of
your life.

Me, I'm taking a gander at a
pitiless past and an even
more pitiless future.

Can't you see me waiting tables,
pulling double shifts
—with my back!—
stacking quarters like a levee
against the rent
of some shabby
rooming house like in
The Abbott & Costello Show?

I can't hardly not afford to not wait.

In the meantime the sun is setting
somewhere and it's a beautiful
pink orange gold one
magical and provoking those
who witness it to grow insane
at the joy of existence.

I missed it.
I was here, next to you.

Nowhere I'd rather be.

MY INNER VENTRILOQUIST DOLL IS A MAJOR BUZZKILL

Wood not plastic
solid stuffing helps
but I like
a big hole
in the body
not that goddamn
string you pull

I couldn't get
so lucky as to
have my inner
ventriloquist doll
insult waitresses
flight attendants
madams at bordellos

And have them all
find it charming
giggling behind
their hands
exchanging glances
and seeing me
in a new light

He is pure id
says what he means
means what he says
doesn't say what
should stay unspoken
and has a mouth
like a sailor

Matter of fact
he just told me
while I was
drinking a nice
twelve ounce glass
of seltzer water
"Why'ncha go fuck yuhself?"

THE FUN NEVER BEGINS

You bastards stole
my G.I. Joe
with Kung Fu Grip

But Xed me out
for the C word
in an email

I admit that's
just plain rude
but you're thieves

and theft is a crime—
is cursing?

I'm uncouth
but you're criminals

Stealing my soul
was the least
of it

THE ADEQUATE SPARROW

I challenge you:
possibly the most
familiar of all
wild birds.

Though you are
lacking in color
and your song
is unremarkable—

your smooth feathers,
your adaptability,
your familiarity
frequently paints you

as a representative
of the common,
the vulgar, the lewd—
or divine providence.

I challenge you:
fly, fly away.
Be a sparrow;
an adequate sparrow.

THERE REALLY WAS A PRECIOUS

And she was Latino with very large very white
teeth and she bit my cock hard when I came
because I only had $14 and not the $15 she had
asked for.

There was an older French woman who looked
passable in the black light of the anteroom where
you pick your "girl" but once we were in private
she peeled

off a body stocking and her entire form changed
into something of a blob. But she was very nice
and took charge in a way that was comforting,
thank God:

"First, I'm gonna suck…." And she did but after
the revelation of her physiognomy I wasn't
quite present. She had other ideas, though,
parting her

labia proudly: "I'm very clean here," but after
a few long minutes of that she could sense I
was elsewhere. She resorted to lotion and her
hands - generally

a fool-proof combo, but when you are lost, you
are lost. Who else? The young black woman
who took me to a freezing room in a 42nd St.
hotel (the

OLD 42nd St.) late on a Thanksgiving evening.
Though I tipped her generously she didn't like
the idea of giving me any change. But eventually
she relented,

pulling a few folded and blood soaked bills from
the front of her underwear. She smiled a half-
lidded smirk and said "Here it is, baby, your
blood money."

A NOTHING MORNING IS BREAKING

The ship is empty at daybreak
even the captain is gone
though he was nice enough
to leave his forwarding
address

I see the scar on your knee
and though you've told me
I can't help wondering
where and when that got
engraved

There's a battle raging for
our souls and the odds are
worsening with each passing day
though there is no clearcut
evil

There's no good either
but we all knew that already
just an academic exercise or
an experiment without Pyrex
beakers

The results are only going
to be shredded anyway
which serves to make it
seem fixed like professional
wrestling

RETURNING TO THE SCENE OF THE CRIME

But this time with sharper
eyes thanks to my Cavalli
glasses worn for the express
purpose of looking more
intelligent and hirable.

What am I looking for
exactly and why can't I
see whatever it is through
this new prescription?
Why am I still so blind?

KNEE DEEP IN HEAVYWEIGHT BLUES

I strongly suspect I have arthritic knees. The rain says so.
They always hurt walking up stairs, now they're starting to hurt
walking down the stairs.

There was a time, though brief, when I took Jesus up on his
"my yoke is easy and my burden is light" routine;
in today's parlance he was my spotter.

I admire the old bluesmen's dedication to their music and
its legacy of suffering, but they kept it alive for idiots with
few complaints. That's not right.

You'd be shocked to know that I once pumped iron, bulked up
on supplements, ran a pretty fair 40 before I took to sucking
on bongs and guzzling 40s.

Sometimes I felt clearer about it all as a result: an understanding
I had never before experienced that led back to God
(not Jesus this time, but close enough).

I hit my knees morning and night. Maybe that's how I
ruined them: by praying for redemption and climbing stairs
to sit at God's right hand.

HER WINDOW FACES THE STREET

She doesn't collect hearts
she steals them

Her hands touch you and
you feel healed

When she sings in the shower
she sounds happy

Even though all the songs
are about regret

She doesn't forget a thing
even small details

Her garden is a Monet
and smells like heaven

SEVEN SIGNS YOU'RE GOING TO HATE A JOB

1. You get the job.
2. You get the job.
3. You get the job.
4. You get the job.
5. You get the job.
6. You get the job.
7. Everyone on your team loves Thai food.

TO THE FUTURE

When you can build a miniature Stonehenge
out of your morning meds, it's probably time
to start thinking of penning a will.

Fortunately I have absolutely no net worth
and am thus immune to such an undertaking,
thank God up in heaven.

Quoth Ralph Kramden: "It came easy and
it went just as fast". Which isn't exactly
true. Nothing came easy.

But now the shadows have grown long on
the great golf course of life and my caddie
is itching for his overdue fix.

Who am I to stand in the way of life, to
question it or do anything more than live
it? I'm you, only less successful.

I HEART THE SEVENTIES

Tireder than fuck and it's not
like I even did anything strenuous
today.

So sick of the Goddamned Devils
I find myself thrilled that they're
finished.

One of these days we'll have smart
phones and that will confirm we're
smart.

If I listen to Elton John does it mean
I'm switching teams or pining for a sweet
past?

A WEEP IN WOLF'S CLOTHING

So many things undone and
undone by

it would make a saner man
less so

but I being a wretch and
model nutjob

am left with little recourse
but tears

and if you think they clash
with fangs

and fur and a snarling snout
you're correct

BETTER THAN A PACK OF WOLVES, THE INCREDULITY TOUR HITS THE ROAD

Your unconditional positive regard despite head
Injury/detached retinas, a face set on fire & put
Out with cleats. I make six figures, all of them zeros,
With a carpet-bombing perspective & a box cutter
Actually used on boxes. Out of the loop big time:
The Singing Nun stiffed royal & the old cop bullshit,
"Better left unsolved." Unnatural violence of a high-
Fiber diet: more sparrows, fewer starlings. Infrequent
Peepshow fragrance sure beats trashing hotel suites in
Sault Ste. Marie. Do estimable things - the best remedy
For puking over the side of the Sloop John B. Privy to
Admitted shit overheard: we all come from the pussy
& good Christian fellowship means no fabulous.


From my chapbook The Incredulity Tour, 2005.

THE NEW SOMETIMES AMUSING "INTELLECTUAL"

The new sometimes amusing
"intellectual" poor
for ever
me I can't get rid of
the rubs too but different way;
to feel it a Mecca
as a kind of light
for the human race.
Poor nonsense talked in this new
way strange traveling all over
alone "to see it".

For what can that stiff do
with sights, visions
everything, everywhere, passes way,
quiet clear eyes
open skirting obscene abysses
suspecting them; pushing
brambles tearing her robe;
exciting, knowing it, the most
suspicions; always passionless,
fearless! a little figure
after all you get the right point
of view, something
rather striking.

THE PROBLEM WITH THAT IS THE FOLLOWING:

It requires 2 AA batteries and I have 1 AAA battery
The last home fries of the day served at any diner have usually gone bad
There's a very good chance I'll run into someone I hate
There's a very good chance I'll run into someone who hates me
I can never tell if he's been drinking heavily or is just a profound asshole
I am like the only person living who doesn't think Pet Sounds is a masterpiece
I would rather watch really old pro wrestling reruns than new matches
I still miss all the cats I've ever had and died
The Universe keeps pointing out how badly I've stumbled
There's nothing I can do about dying but I'm so tired of being afraid of it
I didn't write "Kid Charlemagne"
I wish I didn't need all the things I need
The train schedule fucked me over when I least needed being fucked over
People keep disappointing me
I keep disappointing people
I keep disappointing me
I want to dance with somebody who loves me (but I'm a shitty dancer)
Singing old drinking songs just blows when you don't drink
I have so much to draw and so little paper
My guitar harshly sobs
The sun may not come out tomorrow
My knees are shot

THERE GOES THE SUN

It always happens like this.
The exact moment I
slide into my Ray-Bans,
cooler than you'll ever be,
a cloud rolls by as if to
mock me for my efforts.
And why not? It's all just
one big episode of
The Adventures of Sisyphus
anyway - which I can deal with;
I'm good like that:
I want much, expect little, get nothing.
A more winning combo
I could not imagine. You? 

NEW SHIT

I wanna do some new shit
something really new
and different

and not shitty either
i'm talking good shit
good   solid   high quality
shit

dangerous challenging frightening
MENACING!
That's the word

Something that will make them blush
stand up and take notice in the back row

make them question their ethics
their morals
their eyesight and hearing
maybe even their taste

though taste is a tough nut to crack
especially when you're trying
new shit